Part 1: The walks

You know, the universe has humorous ways of giving you the things you want. That includes a purpose, peace and reason to live...

For the past couple months now, I've been consistently walking morning, night and after meals. I'm lucky to have a nature reserve near by so I make the most of it.

At dusk and dawn its so beautiful. The animals are awake. Birds are singing, owls hooting? Mice... doing whatever mice do. The sky paints itself in pinks and reds, and the trees stand like quiet giants.

I love it. Its so peaceful. It makes me happy.

But that's not the point of this blog.

Part 2: The Invitation

On my way to the nature reserve, I always pass some residentials, and they have nice plots of grass which you can ground and play in. As I walk past these houses, often times I would see a group of kids playing football — around 1 to 3 years younger than me - and as they played, super emotional as kids do, getting super happy when they won, upset when they lost. It made me smile.

It made me happy too.

I love to see it. Its healthy, it's good for them — get out in the sun, wear yourself down for sleep, make friends and all that.

And it's funny you know, how many years now have I longed for that. How long has it been since I've had that too? How many nights have I cried wishing I had that again? How many days would I obsess and play the events of my childhood again and again and again in my mind? (context i am 15 but an isolated homeschooler) How many months did I see suicide as the only relief?

Too long.

But not now. Now I'm older, wiser and peaceful-er. I don't long for it anymore. I don't obsess.

But past me certainly did.

So, as I walk by them, again and again, I would smile, again and again. Reminiscing my past, and hoping a bright future for those kids.

But one day, the universe, god, flow, change, the all — whatever you call it — wanted me to stop observing...

One day, I would come to realise the things you need least, come easy, yet things you yearn dearly, resist most.

As I walk past the residentials with my brother, the kids were playing again. I took no notice though, as usual looking at the sky and natures beauty. But, in the midst of my musing, I heard a young boys voice shouting, "Hey mate! wanna come play with us?"

I didn't bat an eye or turn my head at first, thinking he was asking some other person. So I kept walking and enjoyed my silence. But I'm glad it was broken again.

He asked once more, "Hey mate! Wanna come play football with us?"

Now, at this point, I look at him, surprised. I said in my head "Whatt?" But on the outside I was speechless

So he cheekily asked again, "Oi mate! Do ya wanna come play football with us?"

I looked at my brother, behind us and then back at him. He was definitely talking to us. In my head I'm saying "waittt he wants to play with me?? wahhatt? 😭"

I stayed confused, but my body was moving before I could summon any sense to order it. I started walking over to him and his friends.

My manners and respectfulness kicked in: I said good evening, greeted them, shook their hands, asked their names, and after some small-talk, asked them for a game.

So now I am playing football! How?? When?? What??

And it was the greatest game of football I have played in years.

Granted I haven't properly played football in years, but this is still different.

During my social isolation and homeschooling, I have had numerous chances to play football and socialise but they all failed. I was so insecure, so nervous, so scared, that my legs wouldn't move. My feet wouldn't respond.

I thought I had lost my skills and that honestly made me cry. That feeling of losing something you were best at killed me. I loved, I had passion for football. It was my favourite thing - and because of my fears I lost that happiness.

But now that I don't care so much. Now that I am at peace. Now that I am happy. Now that I just wanted to have some fun and make the most out of everything, I played like I used to.

I played like peak year 7, year 8 year 9 me did. No fear. Just passion.

Just joy.

And I loved it.

It was only a short 20mins of football since they had to go home. But it was a brilliant 20mins of football.

For them it might of been a regular Monday night, but for me it was the Monday night. The best Monday night I've had in years.

On the walk back I was talking to my brother and saying how that was really an amazing way to end the day and we both agreed.

And whilst it was truly a moment where I let loose and stepped closer to innocence, I didn't give it much thought.

I just smiled at that memory, and went about my days, happy and content.

Carrying that joy like a secret stone in my pocket — until the universe decided to test how tightly I’d hold it...

Part 3: Sam and the Match

Two days later and one 24 hour fast/deprivation later, I'm on my normal path to the nature reserve. Usually, on my walks I'd only have thoughts of life, beauties of nature, or perhaps a philosophy I'm cracking down on.

But this time. This time the thought that was in my head, and the thought I tried to supress and hide, was the hope that those kids were there. The hope that they were playing football and would ask me to join again.

I tried my best to ignore it — following the laws of manifestation — and continued on my walk.

And man, you would not believe the smile on my face when I saw and heard them calling for me. I was in middle of musing my thoughts but when I realised they were really there I was just full of happiness.

They asked for to play again. And I haha, I greeted the boy, lets call him Denis, I called him by the wrong name. Ahhh I made such a point about remembering peoples names!! How could I misname him 😭. But I quickly recovered as he corrected me and I chatted with the other boys too.

They are good kids you know. Good kids. This one, let's call him Luca, loves to talk and complements my skills — saying I should join a premier league team. Sweet lad. The others were nice too and its actually kind of amazing to see how everyone is so different and its easy to tell how each child was brought up differently.

But yeah, we then played some football and this time we were in teams. Played with a young boy, about 3 years younger than me, let's call him Sam. We had good chemistry but the poor boy was always being dirty tackled and injured.

I didn't get upset with the committer just yet — a look in the eyes to gauge his intention — but nothing else. My energy was spent giving Sam advice and motivation.

He cried a lot and the poor lad sobbed so I told him to breathe slowly and gave him advice on the lines of: "Hey look Sam. You play well, you're a good team-mate... They see that. And they are jealous."

I paused for a second, looked him deeper in the eye and continued, "When I was younger I was always the star so I got picked on too; bullied and dirty tackled too - but that just means you're doing something right. So come on man, lets get up and stop throwing words to claim our worth, and instead score goals to show our strength."

And so we won 3-0.

The game was fun, I felt like a kid, pushing myself, sprinting, hacking at it, and even got breathless despite my good cardio. It was really great man.

However, all good things come to and end. It was getting late so they had to head home. I thanked them for the game, complimented their skills and wished them well.

Part 4: Damien

After the match, I sat down on the field and caught my breathe. Thinking about the events of tonight. How well I played, how much drama there was between the kids, and just how beautiful the sky is this time of night.

Bu something caught my attention... Whilst everyone else had gone home, that one kid who kept dirty tackling and injuring my team-mate Sam was left alone.

Sitting by the tree.

Holding back tears.

I never really got upset with anyone there for tackling, I know and understand how rough the game can be, so I was calm. Sadly I can not say the same for everyone else.

I only learned his name after the match, we'll call him Damien. But the others introduced me to him as "The emo boy."

Damien sat alone, shoulders hunched like he was trying to fold himself into nothing. I knew that pose. I’d been that pose.

So I sat beside him — close enough to talk, far enough to let him bolt if he needed. ‘Hey,’ I said, softly. ‘You alright mate?’"

He looked up at me, and then to the last person who was still here, then replied "Yeah I'm alright." Then got up to walk to the ball in the middle of the field.

Noticing his guard, I looked around and noticed there was a person still here. So I got up and gave him a soft but firm gaze. Not saying a word.

But he quickly said he's going home so I paid him farewell, and now my attention is back to Damien, who is in the middle of the field with the ball.

I slowly walked to him, in the middle of field, and softly said "Hey stay there."

Then I asked him again, "Hey you alright, mate?"

And finally he opened up and said "Yeah.. I didn't mean to injure or hurt Sam... I'm just - I've only been playing for 3 months..."

I let him speak and pretty much comforted the guy, Agreeing, complimenting his skills and understanding his struggle.

I knew what it was like to be isolated.

Not just psychically but emotionally too. So as our conversation came to an end, I gave him my last piece of advice, "Hey man, you're good for only playing for 3 months. I can tell you like the sport so just never stop trying alright? People will be mean but just don't stop and maybe be a little bit careful, okay?... take care man, cyu later"

Part 5: Clarity After The Match

And that was that... After an eventful football match, loads of advice given, sore losers leaving as soon as we won, I finally continued on my walk. But now with lots of thoughts and real appreciation. The universe, god, the all, nature, whatever — it gave me the chance to be a kid again. I was a kid again. I didn't need it anymore, I didn't obsess over it anymore. I didn't cry day and night wishing for this moment anymore.

But I was ready.

I was at peace, whole and ready to receive what I always wanted because I didn't need it anymore. And I think life is funny like that. If you really crave something so much, you'll struggle to get it. But if you're fine without it, you'll find it come to you easy.

My walk back all I thought about was that thought exactly, plus replaying the events of that game, and I had the most happy drunk face you've ever seen. My feet weren't walking straight, my arms weren't ordered, and my smile was consuming. I don't think I've had that type of happiness in years or ever. I don't think I've been so sure of my independence in years.

Because, I was happy, not because the game made me full, but because I realised I didn't need the game to be full, because I realised I was full before the game, because I realised: this is how friendships, relationship, joy, experiences should be. Not something you rely on to make you full, but something that adds onto you.

However... I also came to another realisation.

Tonight should be the last time I play that hard with those kids again. It'll be the last time I go all out with them.

Yes, it was what I wanted. The joy. The laughter. The goofiness. The passion. All of it. But its not what I need.

It's what they need.

And I don't want to ruin it for them. I don't want to discourage those who will leave if I show up consistently and beat them. I don't want to mess with their life's, because its not mine. Maybe I could help their life in a good way but a lot of good things in life are short and sweet.

I think I gave them a slice of my life, a quick look into how I passionate I am. And I think they gave me what I was yearning for. I think I'll cherish the memory.

Because that was fun.

Part 6: What It Means

Anyways, to wrap this up.

What I am saying is, life is funny. Life is unpredictable.

Last year, this time, I was suicidal. I wanted to kill myself.

I wanted nothing other than to feel what seemed like the sweet relief of death.

Or atleast the sweet relief of something else. Happiness, hardships over, or finding a lover. I wanted a relief so fucking badly — so of-course I wouldn't receive it.

Because, your body, your reality, your life won't do or hold anything your mind can't.

A gambling addict who won the lottery will lose it all again and level his reality with his mind (unless he finds peace).

If you feel like calling it a day, I understand your pain — maybe not completely, but I get the gist of it. Suicidal thoughts suck like ass, so what's my actionable advice?

Take your time please. Remove the noise. Refuse to participate in activities that make life worse. Meditate a lot. Connect with nature. And don't force purpose — let it come to you.

Let go of the death grip on what you “need” to be happy.

Do all these things (and other things you'll work out along the way), and you'll find that meaning comes to you — not the other way round.

Love yourself,
Sebastian